Deanna's Sentiments

Yes, it's me. I'm still alive and breathing.

I haven't been around in a while, mainly because becoming a mom takes up so much time that any spare time you do have you don't want to be writing in a blog that probably no one is going to read anyways. Well, I figure with everything going on in my life at the moment, it might be a good idea to start journaling again to help me keep track of how I am doing. I feel like I have lost myself in a sense and I am slowly picking back up where I left off before all the chaos began.

So, what has been going on since becoming a mom? Well, I won't talk about all the poopy diapers that I have changed, or about the times that I've been thrown up on. Pretty much my life has been the same, just a bit messier and busier.

I'm still working in the little gift shop with annoying people. I figure it's best just to stick around than go out looking for another job and end up with even more annoying people!! Things could be worse, this job has been flexible and it's close to home so I don't have to commute much which is a huge bonus with gas prices being the way they are. I spent $110 filling my gas tank yesterday!!

The biggest thing to happen recently in my life was last April. A phone call from my Mom. She called me to say that they had taken my dad to get a new prescription for his glasses because he had been bumping into things, and he almost got in a car accident because he didn't see the person coming...he thought he needed new glasses. Well, the eye doctor ran a few tests, and said it looked like my dad had a stroke, so he should go to the ER and get checked out.

Well, I will try not to make this too long, but a couple days later my Brother called me and told me I should come home. Things weren't looking good at all. After doing a c-scan in the ER they found that my Dad had a massive brain tumor which had to be removed as soon as possible. The next day he saw a neurologist and they scheduled him for surgery.

Two weeks later, we flew to Pensacola to be there. We got there on Wednesday night, and Thursday they did some pre-op stuff, and Friday morning was his surgery.

My Dad's operation went great. The very next day he was talking, cracking jokes, even getting up out of bed and walking around!! They moved him out of ICU in less than 24 hours. Now, this surgery obviously came with risks. One of the worst being brain hemmoridge, or stroke.

Everything was looking really good! Saturday night we finally went home to get a bite to eat and have a few moments to just take a deep breath and have a sigh of relief. It wasn't 30 minutes later that my mom called from the hospital to say that Dad got out of his bed, ripped his IV's out, and was complaining that his head was hurting really bad. Not a good sign. So we rushed back to the hospital...

The moment we arrived back at the hospital, the Doctor's assistant told us to wait in the hall, they would be wheeling him by shortly to the OR. They had to do an emergency brain surgery because he had hemmoridged and had a large blood clot in his brain. Things were not looking good. A moment later we saw the doors open, and my Dad was on his bed being wheeled towards us, and all of a sudden you hear all the alarms going off on his machines. The 6 pushing his bed started running down the hall towards the OR. He crashed...

A few minutes later one of the Doctors told us to follow him. He took us into this tiny room next to the OR just big enough to fit 4 chairs in. He said wait here, I'll be right back. We didn't know if he had died or what. We sat there waiting for what seemed like an eternity, and finally the Surgeon that was going to operate on my Dad came in and told us very straight forward that my Dad had hemmoridged very bad, and he was in a coma, and he didn't think he would survive the surgery.

3:00am his surgery was done, and the Surgeon came out to tell us that my Dad pulled through. He was alive, but not in very good condition. He was able to remove 99% of the tumor that was still left in there, but he had to remove some healthy brain tissue as well. If he woke up from his coma, there would be no telling what his condition would be like.

He was on life support for 2 days, and finally on the 3rd day he woke up. They kept him on the ventilator for another 2 days, and later it was removed. My Dad remembered all of us, he was very loopy, and emotional, he wasn't the same person anymore. We didn't care, we were just so thankful that he was still alive. Considering everything he had gone through we knew things would never be the same anymore.

He's been home for a while, and was back in the hospital for another week or two because he had blood clots on his lungs. Thankfully he made it through that as well.

Fast forward to today...

My Dad has been undergoing radiation & chemo therapy since he had his surgery in April. He has really good days where he seems himself again, and really bad days when he's quiet, down, confused, and doesn't have a clue what is going on. He's able to walk with a walker, but he gets tired very easily.

We have no idea how long his therapy treatments will buy him...if he hadn't undergone the surgeries and all then there is no doubt that he wouldn't be here anymore. We have come to find out that my Dad's father, and his uncle also died of a brain tumor.

Dealing with all of this (and there has been much more) has been the absolute hardest time of my entire life. Stress and worry has gotten the best of me. On the one hand I hate that I'm not there to be with my family, and the other I'm thankful for the distance because I don't know how I could handle the stress of being there.

I feel like I have already had to say goodbye to my Father, I worry that I will never get to see him again. I hope and pray that I do, but even then it will be so hard because I know he isn't the same as he used to be, and a part of me only wants to remember him the way he was and not be reminded of his current state.

I have felt so detached from myself and everything around me since all this happened, feeling careless and exhausted. I have never been so stressed to the point that it makes me feel the way I have been. But, I've been trying to think positive focusing on the things I have to be thankful for, and I am slowly picking myself back off the floor and moving on.

I just know that any moment I am going to get another phone call. My brother just called me yesterday to tell me that my Dad's dementia has been getting worse, and I fear for my parent's safety. I worry constantly about my mom being able to provide the care that my dad needs. I don't expect her to give up on him, but I really hope she will come to realize that at some point she can't give him the proper care that his situation will demand of him.

Well, this turned out to be a long post......